"Really, these hills are so boring! There hasn't been a single bird or animal to shoot at all day. I'd like to blast away at something, no matter what!"

"I'd be quite happy if I could put two or three shots into the tan underbelly of a deer or something. It would rear up and spin around, then fall with a thud, don't you know."

They were far back in the hills. So far back that even the expert hunter who had been their guide had become confused and wandered off somewhere.

On top of that, the mountains were so steep that both the polar bear-like dogs became dizzy, howled briefly, and fell down dead with their mouths foaming.

"To tell the truth, that is a 2,400 yen loss for me," one hunter said, peeling back one eyelid and taking a look.

"It's a 2,800 yen loss for me," the other hunter said sadly, bowing his head.

The first hunter flushed a bit, and looked steadily into the face of the other. "I think I'm ready to head back."

"Well, I'm cold and hungry and ready to head back."

"In that case, let's give it up. On the way back we could stop at the place we stayed last night and buy 10 yen's worth of pheasants to take back."

"They had rabbits, too. If we got them there, it would be the same thing exactly. Shall we go home, then?"

The one problem, however, was that they had no idea which way to go to return home.

The wind was whistling, the grass was whispering, the leaves were rustling, and the tree branches were scraping together.

"I'm really hungry. My side has been aching for some time now."

"Same here. I can't walk much further."

"I don't want to walk. Ah, what a fix. I want to eat something."

"I really want to eat something."

This is how the two gentlemen talked as they walked through the high, whispering grasses. Then they happened to look back, and saw a splendid, western-style house. The placard on the porch read

RESTAURANT
Wildcat House

"Look, will you-- this place seems to be open. Why don't we go in?"

"Well, this is a strange looking place. But I think they can fix some food, in any case."

"Of course they can. Doesn't it say so on the signboard?"

"Let's go on in. If I don't eat something soon I'll collapse."

They went up on the porch. It was built of white glazed brick, and was a fine one indeed. The glass door was lettered in gold:

Everyone Welcome. Please Feel No Restraint.

The two were extremely happy.

"How about that. The world is a wonderful place after all. We've toiled all day, and now we come to such a nice place. It's a restaurant, but we can eat free of charge!"

"It certainly seems so. That must be the meaning of 'feel no restraint.'"

They pushed on the door, and went inside. They were standing in a corridor. There was more gold lettering on the back of the glass door:

Young, Plump Guests are Especially Welcome.

The two were very happy to be especially welcome.

"You see-- there is a special welcome for us!"

"We qualify on both counts!"

They hurried down the corridor and came to a door painted a pale blue.

"This is really a strange house. I wonder why are there so many doors"

"It's the Russian style. Everyone does it this way in cold places and in the mountains."

As they were about to open the door, they looked up and saw a notice written in yellow letters:

This is the Restaurant of Many Orders. Welcome to the Feast!

"They've really done it up right. And out in the mountains like this!"

"They certainly have. But even in Tokyo the big restaurants are seldom on the main avenues."

The opened the door as they talked. And on the inside:

There are many orders; please follow them carefully.

"What on earth is that supposed to mean?" one gentleman asked, knitting his brows.

"It seems to be apologizing for the delay, because they get so many orders."

"I suppose so. Let's hurry and get into the dining room."

"I'd like to sit down at a table."

But unfortunately, they came to another door. There was a mirror beside it, below which there was a long-handled brush. The door had red letters:

Guests will please arrange their hair and remove any mud from their footwear.

"That's certainly reasonable. And back at the entrance I looked down on this as a country place."

"They have strict etiquette. I'm sure that grand people often come here."

And so they combed their hair and brushed the dirt from their boots. But when they put the brush on the floor, it grew hazy and disappeared, and a blast of wind howled out at them from the next room. The two were surprised, and moved closer together, then pushed open the door and went in. They were thinking something absurd might happen if they didn't quickly eat something warm to restore their spirits.

There was another strange notice inside the door, over a long, black table:

Please place guns and bullets here.

"There's no way you can eat holding a gun, of course."

"No, it's because grand people are coming here all the time."

They lay down their guns, then took off their ammunition belts and placed them on the table as well.

The next door was black.

Please remove hats, coats and footwear.

"What do you think? Should we remove them?

"There's really no choice. They must really be grand people, the ones inside."

The pair hung their hats and overcoats on pegs, then removed their boots and walked through the doorway in their stocking feet.

Tie pins, cuff links, eyeglasses, wallets and any sharp metallic objects should be placed here.

"Well, apparently they cook with electricity somehow. Metal objects would be dangerous, especially pointed ones."

"I suppose so. It looks like we pay here on the way out."

"So it seems."

"Yes, I'm sure of it."

And so the two took off their glasses, removed their cufflinks, put everything in the strongbox and snapped it shut. Then they walked a ways to the next door, in front of which was a glass jar. The sign on the door said,

Please cover heads, hands and feet with cream from the jar.

They could see that the jar was indeed filled with sweet cream.

"Why should we smear cream on ourselves?"

"That must be because it's so cold outside. This is to prevent our skin from chapping from the warmth inside the dining room, or something. They must be really grand people who come here. We may even find ourselves close to nobility."

The two spread cream on their faces and on their hands, then removed their socks and covered their feet with cream. There was a little left, which they stealthily ate while pretending to spread it on their faces. Then they rushed through the door.

Did you spread the cream well? Don't forget your ears!

"Sure enough, I didn't do my ears. And ears are in the greatest danger of chapping from the heat. The proprietor here is truly a master planner!"

"Ah, they pay attention to the smallest details. Just the same, I'd like to eat something right away. How much longer will we be running here and there through the hallways?"

And then they came to the next door:

The meal is almost ready. Please wait 15 minutes. You will be served soon. Please sprinkle your head with perfume from the bottle.

In front of the door was sparkling bottle of perfume. The pair splashed the perfume around their heads. The aroma of the perfume, however, was very much like that of vinegar.

"This perfume smells strangely like vinegar. I wonder why?"

"It must be a mistake. Perhaps a scullery maid caught a cold and couldn't tell the difference."

They opened the door and went through. Inside the door was a notice in large letters:

We are sorry to have troubled you with so many orders. There is only one more. Please sprinkle your entire body with salt.

"That is odd."

"It seems odd to me, too."

"By 'many orders' they seem to mean orders they gave us."

"It's as though this restaurant did not prepare meals and feed it to the people who came, but rather, prepared the people who came as meals, and then ate them. In which case, w-w-we would b-b-be . . ." He was shaking too much to finish.

The other one also shook badly. "Then, w-w-we w-w-would w-waaahh!"

"Run!" the one gentleman yelled shakily, and pushed on the door, but the door did not budge.

There was one more door into the dining room, with two keyholes in the shape of a silver knife and fork. The lettering there said,

Thank you for your pains. Everything is quite ready. Please come inside.

"Waaahh!" one hunter cried, shivering shakily.

"Waaahh!" the other cried, shakily shivering.

As the two cried, quiet voices could be heard on the other side of the door. "Too bad-- they've noticed. They won't be salty enough."

"I'm not surprised. The boss doesn't write very well. Feeble-minded stuff like 'We are sorry to have troubled you with so many orders'."

"It doesn't really matter. At least he lets us have a share of the bones, doesn't he?"

"That's true. But if those guys don't come in, he's going to blame us!"

"Should we call to them? I'll call. Hey, honored guests. Please enter-- right now. Welcome. Welcome! The platters are clean, and the greens are nicely salted. We just need to toss you with the greens and arrange everything on the nice white platters. Hurry on in!"

"Yeah, welcome. Welcome. Or don't you like salad? If that's the problem we can light the fire and do some frying instead. Hurry in, anyway."

The pair, consumed with anguish, looked at one another with faces like crumpled waste paper.

Inside there was a little chuckling, then more yelling.

"Come in, come in. If you keep crying like that, it will wash off the the cream you've taken the trouble to apply. Hey, right now! Hurry up! Please come in here!"

"Hurry in! The boss is awaiting his guests, wearing a napkin, holding a knife and licking his lips."

The two cried and cried and cried.

But then there was a noise behind them. Barking loudly, the two dogs that looked like polar bears broke through the door and bounded into the room. The eyeballs in the keyholes disappeared immediately. The dogs howled and ran around the room for a moment; then there was another loud bark and they threw themselves at the last door. The door slammed open, and the room seemed to suck the dogs in.

Inside the room was total darkness, but confused yelling could be heard at first, and then gasping wails.

And then the room disappeared like so much smoke, and the two gentlemen were standing in the grass, shivering from the cold. Looking around, they could see their jackets and boots and wallets and tie pins hanging from branches here or scattered among the roots over there. The wind was whistling, the grass was whispering, the leaves were rustling, and the tree branches were scraping together.

The dogs came back, puffing.

Then, behind them, the gentlemen heard someone calling to them.

They took courage at once, and called back, "Hallo-- Over here! Come quickly."

Their guide, wearing his hunting cap, made his way to them with a swish through the dry grass. At last they were able to relax.

The pair ate the dumplings the guide brought with him and, stopping on the way to buy some pheasants for 10 yen, returned to Tokyo, where they soaked in a hot bath and felt completely themselves again.