Mormon-L Sonnet, Limerick and Hymn Parody Contest

(with a few miscellaneous bits)

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Limericks

(Ron, July 2009, after a spate of celebrity deaths)
Karl Malden, a dick not a flasher
despite the trench coat alabaster
had an unusually long run
but has now come undone
and left home for life ever after

(Doug, January 2009)
We speak with forbearance towards
Those things that we know are the Lord's.
The least hint of scoffing
May lead to prompt offing.
(Damned angels with their flaming swords!)

The waning days of October 2008 brought a spate, perhaps a spate and a quarter, of entries. Yay, so to speak.

Thom
"Gay marriage is not of the Lord."
Cal Saints are told in their ward.
"So fight for Prop 8,
So our Golden State
won't fall by the wrath of God's sword."

Richard
If gays are allowed to marry
The results are dire and scary.
My marriage can�t stay
My kids�ll turn gay
The symbol of state is a fairy.

Thom
I'm all for the gays getting wed
Why should they have lives free of dread?
Like us who are straight
Who oft bemoan our fate
and wish sometimes we were dead?

Thom (mistaking one of the Doaks boys for Richley)
Richley calls "doggeral" this
form of verse where many find bliss
as they give wings to their thoughts
so perhaps Richley ought
to learn how to spell and not dis.

Richard
If gay sex is wicked and dire
Perverted by the devil, that liar.
Then let gays get hitched
The battle is pitched
Gay sex will lose all its fire.

Thom
The Mormons so often exult:
"Our teachings aren't all that occult.
What is so odd
that Joseph saw God?
Why do you think we're a cult?"

Thom
A limerick on Mormons? No prob!
As simple as corn on the cob.
And tasty as well
So as not go to hell
Don't laugh at them, stifle a sob.

Scott
A liberal Mormon? You're kidding.
They won't be doing your bidding.
No matter how swell
They'd rather go to hell
After all, rebellion is more, thilling.

Doug
The loss of a church testimony
Makes one liberal, probably phoney.*
But be of good cheer--
If to rules you adhere
We don't mind that your thoughts are baloney.

*For details please see
Prophet Harold B. Lee.

Richard
Mormons might just be Pharisees.
They eschew the worldly with glee.
They don�t make the rules;
They�re nobody�s fools.
They just worship the rules, you see.

Doug
While drifting through life without rudder,
We poets are prompted to mutter,
"Life's full of delights;
Why not lift up your sights
And see things outside of the gutter?"

Ron
Said Nevada�s Senator Reed
I tire of GOP screed
Sure, Nancy Pelosi
Is full of baloney
but Palin makes my sore eyes bleed

Richard
There once was a playwright named Thom.
On the limerick his attention did glom.
The product was cute,
And of Mormons to boot.
So impressed we call them the bomb.

Richard
Conservatives want most to obey
Loyal to authority are they.
Just and fair?
No harm just care?
That�s for those liberals they say.

Scott
The atheist is always quite willing
To give True believers a grilling
But when the bombs burst
In the foxhole they're first
To ask God for no mercy killing

Scott
PhDs are often annoyed
Especially when they're unemployed
That those who believe
In a God are na�ve
While they bow before Sigmund Freud

Scott
Elites are not so overjoyed
The unwashed, they try to avoid
They turn up their nose
But deep inside knows
They probably are paranoid

Richley
Obama came riding to town,
a white knight in search of a crown.
He challenged McCain
No fear he'd be slain,
And left behind a girl gov with a frown.

Richard
Some hold with their might the iron rod.
They know it�s the sure word of God.
In that they are sure.
Their hearts are pure.
Never mind some words might be fraud.

Steve S
There once was a boy from Vermont
whose disciples end up in a font.
But when pushed to defend,
their history they bend
'till it's a lot smellier than DuPont.

Doug
When searching for structures chiasmal
The mind soars to realms beyond astral
With meanings so sweet
One does not see his feet
Are still anchored in depths quite miasmal.

Morgan (MBABM)
A. Discovering verses chiastic
  B. Makes Welch and Vanatter ecstatic.
    C. But some say with a wink
  B. They really must think
A. Dickory Dock* is fantastic

*A. Hickory dickory dock
  B. The mouse ran up the clock
    C. The clock struck one
  B. And down he run
A. Hickory dickory dock

Doug
Though some count them beings inferior
Because of confinement interior,
Why should you refuse
To share your good news
With faithful colonic bacteria?

Steve S
There once was a worthy named Doug,
Whom opponants considered quite smug.
Using logic he'd fight,
with biting sarcasm smite,
as he'd pull from beneath them the rug.

Steve S
As Mormons we strive to be nice.
Righteous wives should insure there's "some spice."
But when to marriage it comes,
we sure ain't hitchin' two bums,
although, girlies we'd gladly wed thrice.

Ron
Patriotic Americans give thanks
our land resorts to ballots not tanks
and every four years
without bullets or tears
we may toss-out the ne'er do well skanks

Doug, October 2008
(Triggered by a comment from Jim, here removed from the context that is necessary for understanding but not appreciation, that "She pointed out that if Nazis wanted to seem harmless, they might broadcast the plaintive cries of Jews and set it to Beethoven's music.")

"An die Freude," sung in plaintive cries
Was just the thing to make me realize
Our diatribes and sermons
Are no worse than the Germans'
Ascendance uber all us other guys.

Doug, October 2008
(When Ron, testing, asked for replies again)

"I've got it," God said with a grin,
"We'll say they'll be sad if they sin!
Though they may deny it,
The saints will all try it
Again and again and again."

Ron Scott, September 2008
(not really a limerick, but that's okay)
Palin By Comparison
�
Sarah Palin Alaskan pie
Kissed the boys, then made them cry
When the boys spilled all the beans
Sarah Palin cried "for mean, mean mean!"

And another from Ron (slightly familiar):
Remember Lot's wife awful fault
looking back on the singul gestault
a yearning some say
for a roll in the hay
God shook her and lo she was salt.

THREE BY RON SCOTT (2003)
Remember Lot's wife fatal fault
looking back on the sinful gestalt
and yearning a tittle
for getting a little
God shook her and lo, she was salt.

You won't know the poet named Bill
who found inspiration inside of a pill
and the words from his pen
seemed to speak of his yen
to show them to God, and he will!

There once was an elder named Scott
for women he had a soft spot
On transferring day
he always made hay
then repented before he was caught!

And another from Ron (slightly familiar):
Remember Lot's wife awful fault
looking back on the singul gestault
a yearning some say
for a roll in the hay
God shook her and lo she was salt.

A response (Not from Ron)
You also remember Lot's daughters,
Without Sodomites, turned to their father
They poured him three urns
Of good wine, then took turns.
Yes, they're pregnant, but oh, what a bother!

"Family History" (Ron Scott, September 2003)
Parley P. was hard to restrain
quite more than a bit of a pain
And, seeing eye candy
he could be rather randy
but that's why I am, can't complain.

Another, hot of the presses, as it were (Ron Scott, September 2003)
By the light of the temple square spire
we two began to perspire
The clinches were fine
but we daren't cross that line
and become ash in some eternal fire

"Mormon-L Paranoia" (Ron Scott, September 2003)
Some people write limericks like me
belittling holy pomposity
alas others may claim
heresy was our aim
and snitch to the S-C-M-C

A decade or so ago, for the birthday celebration of one Peter Young, a direct descendent of Brigham, but from a line that departed Zion long, long ago, I penned this ditty. (Ron Scott, September 2003)
Son Peter of Old Brig the Lion
has one wish ere he be dyin
tis for one night in the houses
of the twenty-six spouses
who'd boff him from hell back to Zion

(Commentary by Garth Ogzewalla, September 2003)
Looks a lot like Ron to me,
the limerick that we did see.
He asked, "Should I cringe?"
But don't come unhinged.
We've no desire to see you flee!

(Dan Arnold, September 2003)
There once was a Mormon named Smith
Who thought up a wonderful myth.
If I could explain
Why these plates don't remain,
I'd be first instead of just fifth.

(Thom Duncan, September 2003)
"I've a headache," said Em to Ol' Joe
once too often; to deal with the blow
to his manhood and pride,
Joseph found a new bride,
and more -- so his manhood did grow.

(Thom Duncan, September 2003)
I prayed, as the BoM says to do
and asked God if the book's contents were true.
And the burning I felt
somewhere North of my belt?
Was really a bad bit of stew.

can't

(Kristy Sumner, September 2003)
The youth of Zion are weak went the story:
they all will go blind was the worry
an apostle named Boyd
the COB quickly employed
to keep all hands off the factory.

(Kristy Sumner, September 2003)
There once was a man on a mission,
for souls of mankind he went fishin'
when he'd reeled in a few,
Ol' Nick said, "Who-hoo!
We'll soon have a fry in perdition."

FOLLOW THE LEADER
Let us all give the brethren full heed:
What we see, what we think, what we read.
All they say is God's word
(No, that isn't absurd).
They are leaders, so follow their lead!

STATISTICS
This one was actually submitted, by Dr Crapo, but now he claims not to have written it himself. Accordingly I am using it as an introduction to the following limerick rather than as an actual hymn parody:

To the tune of "Behold, a Royal Army":

             "Behold! Our great statistics!
             What do we have to fear?
             We're clearly now in better shape
             Than we were just last year."

Statistic-wise, we are proactive;
It makes the church look more attractive.
We're "11 Million,
One-Ninth of a Billion"
(of which 'bout a third are still active).

[It should be noted that statistics is not my forte. Ditto basic math. Perhaps that should be "1/90" rather than "One-nineth."]

UNCONDITION
Do all labelled "terrorist" rate
Our deep, sincere, untempered hate?
Or is there still room in
Your heart to say "Human,
And thus in a pre-Godly state?"

COME AND JOIN
The following is inspired by a post from Douglas Palmer [to Mormon-Spec] regarding a Catholic confidence crisis: 'I am unsure how LDS missionaries could take an direct advantage of the situation. It would be a bit crass (and perhaps slightly misleading) to knock on doors with a "Tired of child molesters? Join the LDS!" message. Unfortunately (or not), those who defect from the RCC because of the scandal will likely have a distrust of any priesthood of any sort. Take the priesthood out of the LDS missionary message and what will be left?'

"Are you tired of child molesters?
Why not join up with us LDSters?
We cornhole the youth
With the truest of truth,
The mem'ry of which never festers."

BUD LITE
Is the SCMC still around?
Or has it just gone underground?
Though the group's seldom quoted,
Once Bud gets promoted
Your answer will quickly be found.

Though he writes books to bring home the bacon,
Bud really prefers to awaken
Those proud, lazy fools
Who won't obey rules
Unless they are written, not spaken.

WHEN PERFORMANCE IS MEASURED (which is a stretch, metrically)
My home teaching performance was extremely poor;
The bishop, embarrassed, demanded much more.
I discovered (and practiced, with pleasure)
That I could improve what he measured
By just waving whenever I drove past the door.

NANTUCKET
A bishop who farmed near Nantucket
Went out to his stable, to muck it.
He slipped and he fell,
Banged his head, went to hell
With his shovel, high boots and hand bucket.

(But after a skeptical local response)

The guy lived out in Hull-Nantasket
Till he left by descending hand-basket.
A printing shop foreman,
Not even a Mormon.
(If you don't like the truth, then don't ask it.)

SAME OLD THEME
Some Christians extol St. Paul's charity
As though works alone were a heresy.
We have faith; we have hope!
Is that good enough? Nope--
Without love the rest is but parody.

REVELATION (April 2004)
"Believe me," I told the coed,
"You and I are commanded to wed."
She gasped: "Not that simple!"
"'Twas revealed in the temple!"
"Then by proxy, when we are both dead."

SOMEONE'S DREAM (April 2004)
An awesome presence came down
from its celestial perch
Right to the spot where logic
had left me in the lurch.
"The way you best can play your part
Is this: Let go! Obey your heart!"
I followed, and it led me
straightway out of the church.

TWO ON TATTOOS (April 2004)
While some call tattoos decoration,
The Prophet thinks them desecration.
So I limit that art
To my most private part
And pursue, in all things, moderation.

The halls of real temples are full
Of good pictures, and that, on the whole
Is no problem. Indeed,
Here's a rule to heed:
"Art must be under Salt Lake's control"

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