Hymn Parodies

PRIESTHOOD PIGS (Doug, November 2009)

We're Elders of Israel, come join with us now
Just fall to your knees and so humbly kowtow.
You can't have what we have; you can't even fake it.
The pope might convert, dear, but you'll never make it.
Oh, Sisters in Zion, come praise our priesthood.
And keep to your place, though it's not very good.

I SHALL NOT DO ("If You Could Hie to Kolob," Alan, July 2009)

I shall not do the research
For on who knows it's true
With perfect light and knowledge
The Holy Ghost eschews
Methinks that there are others
Whose names I should not type
Because they did such bad deeds
Their blessings are not ripe

I shall not stand as proxy
For one who was not born
Because their brother Satan
Had from God their hearts torn
Gardner's favorite Uncle Harold
Who didn't ever live
Was baptized by his nephew
For Henry poked Doug's rib

Darth Vader is another
Tho he did see the light
When Luke his son he reclaimed
And sealed his master's plight
We don't baptize Lex Luther
Nor Hannibal Lector
We don't baptize Nurse Ratched
Nor Diehards Hans Gruber

UNCLE HENRY (Doug, July 2009)

I hate my uncle Henry;
He treats me awfully mean.
He tousles hair and pats my cheeks
And pokes things in between.

I hate my uncle Henry;
I'll pay him back somehow.
I'll see he stays outside the church,
'Cause that's where he is now.

My uncle is a bachelor
With no kids of his own
To do a saving ordinance
When he is dead and gone.

So I'll go to the temple
And I'll do all his work.
But I'll say "Uncle Harold"
And he'll lose out, the jerk.

LIFT PLUS THRUST (Jim, March 2009)

Amazing works my value show.
My soul they justify.
I once was proud, but now I know,
obedient I'll homeward fly.

SAY AGAIN? (Doug, July 2008)

"Oh say, what _is_ truth? 'Tis the rarest gem.
As long as we find it of use.
Let's hold it quite close; do not share it with them.
What's 'faithful' is fine; but the rest we condemn.
Plain facts are but dross and refuse.

"Yes, say what is truth! 'Tis the brightest prize
And we won't let it out of our hands.
Mere facts may arouse anti-Mormon surmise;
The faithless who cite them we can but despise
Who publish despite our commands.

"Then, say what is truth, and just what should we do
With those who don't worship the church?
Hold loving DCs just to bid them adieu,
Then hint that they're prob'ly adulterous too,
And their reputations besmirch."

TELEMARKETERS ARE CALLING (Ron Blankenship, September 2003)

Israel, Israel, a telemarketer is calling
Calling thee at suppertime
Babylon has much to sell you
For only nineteen-ninety-nine.

Come be buyin', come be buyin'
Buyin' things from A to Z,
Come be buyin', come be buyin'
Just give your card number to me.

Does your house need vinyl siding?
Or maybe it needs new windows?
Have your carpets been cleaned lately?
Do you need portraits of your dog?

Come be buyin', come be buyin'
Give your card number to me.
Come be buyin', come be buyin'
Make my cash register ring with glee.

Don't you wish to change long distance?
Does your house need an alarm?
Don't forget to vote next Tuesday
For our candidate who'll do no harm. (Yeah, right!)

Come be buyin', come be buyin'
Buyin' all this wondrous stuff,
Come be buyin', come be buyin'
You can never buy enough!

WE CLAIM EVERY SOUL (Ron Scott, September 2003)
Tune: Know This That Every Soul Is Free

We claimed that every soul is free
to choose a course with impunity
Then moral agency changed the deal
and buddy boy brought us to heel

Instead of going our daily way
our lot was simply to obey
No need run around pall-mall
just follow buddy straight to hell

HAIL TO THE PROPHETS (October 2003)
Tune: "Hail to the Chief"

Hail to the Prophets in Con-fer-ence assembled.
Harken and heed all the spiri-tu-al treats they give us,
As they repeat old advice we've not remembered,
Ere sitting down on their refulgent red seats.

Hail from the bishops, and from the stake presidents
Here for the chance to be ann-u-ally trained.
Hail from the members who come on family outings
Or watch TV if they're financially drained.

Prophets can warn us of vicious entertainment;
Help us to know ev'ry little thing they say is straight from
God, who just doesn't have time to speak to members;
He's busy, you should know, at least on Sunday.

Reach in your pocket, and pull out your handkerchief,
Be sure it's white, then you wave it in the air.
If there's a chance, you can try to get an autograph, but
Take care so you don't hinder the sedan chair.

BOSTON BEANS (Ron Scott, September 2003)
(Tune: Brightly Beams Our Father's Mercy)

Boston beans oft show no mercy,
whether fresh or from the can
Fried or baked or cooked by steaming,
they propel most any man

High in protein low in carbos,
beans make perfectly good sense
Your worst foes will keep their distance
from your killer flatulence

When the dark of night falls all around you
and the muggers lurk about
Fear not brother, beans will save you,
be ye rich or down and out

High in protein, low in carbos
beans make perfectly good sense
Your worst foes will keep their distance
from your killer flatulence

For those little highway crises,
neither Gulf nor Shell in sight
attach the fuel line to your tokhes,
flick a Bic bro, you'll be alright

High in protein, low in carbos
beans make perfectly good sense
Your worst foes will keep their distance
from your killer flatulence

KNOW THIS, THAT EACH SOUL (tune: Know This, That Every Soul is Free, of course)

Know this, that each soul must be moral,
And never with line leaders quarrel.
For this eternal truth is given:
That each must earn his way to heaven.

Just ask the bishop; he'll tell you
Each little thing that you must do.
Then in eternity you'll find
You'll still be kissing his behind.

Some people think that they should know
The way that God would have them go.
But no-- of correlation drink,
And you won't ever have to think.


DO NOT PEE UPON YOUR NEIGHBOR (This is dedicated to Dr. Bissel who wrote "All I can do is to try not to pee on my neighbor and be reasonably pleasant with the people with whom I come in contact." The tune is Israel, Israel, God is Calling, but it will probably work with Brightly Beams, O My Father, JS' First Prayer etc. The last verse was for Kristy, but at this point no one remembers why.)

We have prophets all about us,
Quick to share their good advice.
But when shorn of excess verbiage,
It comes down to "Just be nice."
Do not pee upon your neighbor.
Just be nice to him instead.
Though he never seems to notice,
He'll speak kindly once you're dead.

Churches think up many rules
Earthly life to regulate,
Here's the best of wisdom's jewels:
"On my leg don't micturate."

Scripture oft predicts ill fortune
For he who pisseth 'gainst a wall.
But be reasonably pleasant
When your neighbor comes to call.

If your neighbor's a home teacher
Who declines your holy kiss,
Then you have my full permission
On his left pantleg . . . no, forget I mentioned it.
Do not pee upon your neighbor.
Just be nice to him instead.
Though he never seems to notice,
He'll speak kindly once you're dead.


AMAZED BY GRACE
Amazed by grace? You shouldn't be--
It is a gift from God
That's given to all faithful saints
Who grasp the iron rod.

Do all you hear the prophets say,
Of all your sins repent.
Then Joseph will unlock the way
To go right where he went.

If from your shoulders you should feel
Your burden start to shift,
Just grasp it tight; it's yours to keep--
A freely given gift.

Some think that Jesus died for them,
That He'll forgive their sin.
That's Satan's snare-- with wiles like that
He ropes the wicked in.*

I dreamed God's love surrounded me;
My burden he did lift.
I woke once more immersed in woe--
I'd not yet earned that gift.

Remember that it's up to you,
And watch which way you face.
Commit no ill, omit no good;
That's how you earn God's grace.

*My thanks to Bishop Edgely for providing the theological foundation for this verse.


SWALLOW THE PROPHETS
Jonah was a prophet, Rode inside a whale
Crossed the sea from east to west Far back in the tale [a pun].
When he met the Ninevites, Told them where to go,
Climbed a hill outside of town To wait and watch the show.

Swallow the prophet, Swallow the prophet,
Swallow the prophet, Don't swim away.
Even inside you, He'll try to guide you.
Swallow the prophet, He's okay!

Enoch was a prophet, Called his people Zion.
Everyone was translated, That's what comes of trying.
If just one home teacher Hadn't made his round,
Zion'd be like your ward, Stuck fast to the ground.

Joseph was a prophet, Sometimes got confused.
Married lots of virgins, But half of them were used.
Joseph and his brother Sacrificed their lives.
Brothers Young and Kimball divvied up the wives.

Bishops lead ward meetings, That's what Packer said.
Funerals are for preaching, Not to praise the dead.
Meetings shouldn't be so Frequent or so long.
(That part gets forgotten; Maybe Bud was wrong.)

Gordon says that Gods are Made of holy stuff.
Dingy men are mortals; That's not good enough.
Built a conference center; See it when you can.
It represents the strength found In the arm of man.

Follow the prophets, Follow the prophets.
Seek their commandments, Never say "Nay."
Follow their preachings, Swallow their teachings.
Follow the prophets. Always obey.


CONFLICT WITH VICE
We are all enlisted in the conflict with vice.
Busy are we! Busy are we!
Rooting out unvaliant Mormons, at any price,
And achieving lasting harmony.

No more back-biting-- it's a disgrace.
Same-sex attraction is in second place.
Never let "intellect" twice show its face;
We're faithfully, gracefully cleaning up our rolls-- oh!

We are all enlisted in the conflict with vice.
Busy are we! Busy are we!
Rooting out unvaliant Mormons, at any price,
And achieving lasting harmony.


OUT IN THE STAYX
Think not, when you gather to Zion
And set up your stake houses there,
That everyone's neighbors are members,
And all streets are resounding with prayer.
No, no, there are stakes on the piedmont,
In deep jungles, and wet, wuthering moors.
And though we obey the same prophet,
Our stakes aren't exactly like yours.

We don't live next door to apostles,
(And we don't all own pools and boats)
But there's no need for you folks in Zion
To ram your lifestyle down our throats.
No, no, even though general conference
Is not shown on every TV,
There's no need to think you in Zion
Are everything we want to be.


WHITE NAPPIES
Come, ye children of the blest, this is not a time to rest.
Now's the time to give a show, just to let our parents know
The happiness of you and me is their responsibility.
They may know that, but-- oh well-- it's another chance to yell.

All arrayed in spotted white, we will cry straight through the night.
We will bawl with extra-special vigor till our mommy's flesh
Fills our faces, then at last, we'll enjoy a light repast.
Oh how happy we shall be, for two minutes-- maybe three."


HOW CALM IS THE PLAZA
How calm is the Plaza of Peace.
How strident evangelists are!
The moment we say, "Keep all protests away"
They comes streaming in from afar.


Mankind owns the earth and the seas.
They're all free to gaze at the stars.
And you, if you please, may sniff the fresh breeze,
But the Plaza? We bought it! It's ours!*


He who has ears, let him see!
But what do these portents foretell?
I'd like to suggest a new sonnet contest
To be hosted here on Mormon-L.

(Obviously there is a story behind the last verse.)


UP ALL NIGHT (Till Niagra Falls)
Firm as the mountains around us, Stalwart and true we stand.
We can keep this up for hours-- Longer than we had planned.
Our wife slumbers gently beside us. It's midnight; the room's pitch black.
But we always sleep on our stomach; why must we stay on our back?

And we hear the mountains singing:
"Get a life, get a life, get a life!
Spend your energy out on the golf course!
Don't take it out on your wife!
Only the heathen hindoos
Need lingams made of stone--
Never rely on the drug store
For things you should do on your own."


THE TRUTH (Oh say, what is . . . April 2004)
I say! What _is_ truth? Do you really think
It's so common that it can be found
By any old student who honestly tries
To assemble, to verify, and then analyze
Random facts that are lying around?

Of course not! True truth is a precious thing!
Your casual outlook betrayeth
A dream that facts matter. Please strive to produce
Heartwarming ideas that can be put to use
Reinforcing the weak member's faith.


DIVES AND LAZARUS (If You Could Hie to Kolob, RVW tune February 2004)
Dives saw the paradise where all the beggars were.
(He was stuck in Hades, which was not what he'd prefer.)
"What the hell . . ." rich Dives thought, "My life has not been bad."
But then he saw, on Abram's breast, a sight that made him mad.

"What the hell-- that's Lazarus! Just why is he up there?
I'm six or seven times as good as he is, and to spare.
He never went to synagogue; he never passed out alms.
My table crumbs supplied his meals; my dogs provided balms.

"What the hell-- that Lazarus owes his whole life to me.
And now I think he really should reach down and set me free."
He pleaded, "You could bring cool water if you tried."
But Lazarus just winked and laughed, "The gulf is much too wide."

"But why not wait till suppertime, and then, if I am able,
I'll let a few drops of fine wine drip towards you from my table.
You know, eternal blessings aren't a thing a person earns.
I don't deserve more joy than you; you don't deserve those burns.
But you had yours, now I've got mine. We're all just taking turns.


TWO LITTLE HANDS (November 2003)
"I have two little hands folded snugly and tight--
They aren't all that big, but they know how to fight.
We wee folk face all sorts of problems each day,
Till our two little hands knock them out of the way."


TWO LITTLE PRINCIPLES (November 2003)
There are two little principles, both of them true.
And when they conflict, we must choose what to do.
There's weight and importance assigned to each task.
"Which one is the higher?" is what we must ask.

According to light that has come from above,
We know that our God is equated with love.
Obedience brings forth the blessings of heaven,
And that is the meal of which love is the leaven.

When rushing to get to my meeting on time,
I passed an old beggar, and tossed him a dime.
I might have done more to improve his poor state,
But the bishop gets angry if anyone's late.

Love God and rely on His grace, some folk say.
Or keep the commandments and earn your own way.
To be blessed with the blessings to which you aspire,
You first must decide just which principle's higher.